For the love of Dolly. A lesson in boundaries.

I love Dolly Parton. Like really love her.

I remember seeing her on the Oprah show in the early 2000’s. Dolly talked about the importance of being humble - and the fact that she once lost a Dolly Parton drag competition. And she just laughed. That laugh.

I was completely hooked. You see, I have always loved her music. That twang, the sauciness. I adored 9 to 5 and all of the empowerment around gender equity. However, it was seeing her on the television, in person, just being herself that I realized how unapologetically and unabashedly Dolly she is. In a grounded, loving way – from the core of her being.

It was Dolly who taught – and is still teaching me – about boundaries.

“Find out who you are, and do that on purpose.”

~ Dolly Parton

 

In 2015, Dolly Parton announced she was going on her last tour. Now, she doesn’t tour a lot – and she definitely isn’t like Cher, so I knew if Dolly said this was her last tour she meant it. (I’ve gotten to know some Dolly over the years and she seems to be a woman of her word). I was so incredibly excited. I stalked the website for the concert venue near my home. I was out of town when tickets went on sale, but I made sure I blocked time off to be on the website an hour before – refreshing the page to make sure I could log in when the time came. And it did. And I got tickets!!!

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that the Dolly Parton concert that I purchased tickets for fell on a date of a board meeting. As the Executive Director, I am usually required to attend these meetings – it is part of my job. No worries, I thought. I will just talk to my board president, ask to reschedule. This is important to me.

 

My board president at the time, one of the loveliest people I know, resisted. She talked about how important it was to stick to a schedule. That the board needed consistency and these meetings were important. She was not wrong. And I didn’t feel like I had the right to ask for more, even though the meeting was mostly updates and reviews. A meeting that really could have been an email – you know the ones.

What happened next has stuck with me. I gave my tickets away. My friends drove to the outdoor concert venue while I prepared to sit in a two-hour meeting. They were getting to see my she-ro, live, on stage, doing her thing. 

Only half the board attended the meeting. After 45 minutes of updates at the board meeting, with no questions from any board members and no conversation, the meeting adjourned. My lovely board president turned to me and said, “this is so great, you can go to your concert now, right?”

I was fuming. I was mad at the board president. But more than that - I was mad at myself.

I had sacrificed something important to me. I was learning about my need to have better boundaries.

Boundaries

Boundaries are the things you will and won’t do. Boundaries allow people to know what to expect from you, when to expect it and how to expect it. They also allow you to work, play and live in a way that works for you. Boundaries, the right boundaries, can help you stay energized, creative and in flow.

In order to set the right boundaries, it is important to know what matters. You can’t set boundaries if you aren’t clear on what really matters to you. And when you are clear about what matters – what you value – it becomes easier to build your inner core, make decisions based on that and live our lives on purpose.

Boundaries also help you ask and negotiate for your needs to be met (and your needs are important, no matter how silly they seem to others)

That was what I learned from this moment. Dolly knows who she is. She does her on purpose. She knows what her truth is – and acts from there. So she can be fully present. 

My truth was that seeing Dolly meant a lot to me. And I sat through that meeting only thinking about what I had given up, what I didn’t fight for that was important to me (no matter how silly or inconsequential it seemed to other people). I sacrificed my truth to please others. My lack of boundaries reinforced the thought that my needs and desires weren’t enough to ask for what I needed – that I owed it to my job, that I didn’t deserve my own life. Over time I had eroded any boundary that I had a personal life – I had reinforced that I would be ever present for my job. That I would never be “inconvenient” that I would sacrifice my life for my job. But here is the thing – I don’t belong to my job. I belong to myself. 

Boundaries help us belong to ourselves so we can be more present, more alive and be more ourselves. They help us do ourselves, be ourselves, on purpose. 

Investigating Boundaries - Journal Prompts

1.     What does it feel amazing to say “yes” to?

2.     What would it feel amazing to say “no to?

3.     What do I need to think/feel/do believe in order to set boundaries that serve me?

4.     What boundaries am I craving right now (these could be personal, business, life in general)?

5.     What do I need to feel safe to set and share my boundaries?