I guess that is how it started for me. Just stop for 30 days. Could I stop for 30 days? What were my plans during those 30 days? What would I have to forgo, what plans might I have to change or what “hard” decisions would I have to make? And then I asked some different questions:
What role does alcohol play in my life? What does it add? How does it help or hinder me from living the life I imagine for myself? Who am I without alcohol in my life?
It wasn’t Dry January or Sober October. I just picked a day - June 15, 2019 to be exact. I decided to stop, to get curious. I would approach this as an experiment. I would approach it like my practice. See what it brought up, what feelings I had (FYI - I have ALL the feels), how or if my relationships shifted and changed. I would take it in as information and make decisions with agency and intention. This wasn’t about quitting, it was about renegotiating. It was about taking my power back, centering my needs and desires.
The first thing I noticed? I had so much time. It was really overwhelming. What the hell should I “do” with myself? I watched a lot of TV. I started doing activities, lots of activities. I signed up for workshops. I started teaching more yoga. All of this is information. Could I actually “be” with myself?
I started taking lots of baths. Lots of walks. I dove into my own yoga practice (instead of just teaching others). I started to learn to be with myself.
Then I noticed I needed support. Look, I am not good at asking for help. I tend to shy away from needing others. I like to be needed - and I can give more support than a 18 hour girdle - but to need others triggers my vulnerability. But I was committed to this, so I finally bit the bullet. I had been voyeuristically hovering around an online group called Hip Sobriety and finally when they became Tempest - I made the leap. What I found was a community. People who believed in a holistic approach to our relationship with substances - and that we decide for ourselves what that relationship will be. We define our sobriety. We are not broken, so we don’t need fixing. What we need is tools, learning, community and support.
It seemed easy. Like I had this figured out. Then I began to actually feel all the feelings I had been stuffing down inside. I began to unearth all the shame and parts of my story that I keep hidden. It started to get harder.
Then COVID. Then racial reckoning. The economy. Elections.
Some days are really hard. I don’t want to feel, I want to numb out. Not just Netflix for 8 hours but really go on a bender numb out. Then I remind myself if I numb the pain, I will numb the joy. If I numb then I am not really releasing or learning. I have built new tools, new coping mechanisms for stress. In some ways I have become a better version of myself - a more authentic version of myself. And I don’t want to go back.
It feels good to know that hundreds, maybe thousands, of people are participating in a 30 day break in one of the hardest times we are all living in. That there is this disconnected but connected community.
So - if you have read this far, thanks. If this is your first foray into a 30 day break, welcome. If you are doing it again, bravo. I truly believe this journey is not about what we lose, but what we gain. I am not totally sure what this journey looks like - and frankly I am a little comforted by not having to decide this is forever. It makes me feel like I am in charge and can’t fail. But I do know my relationship with alcohol is fundamentally changed.
Below are some resources that are helping me on my journey (along with my yoga practice, loving on my dog and connecting with good friends). This is a process, right? And hopefully you will join me for Rooting into Fall: Yoga & Coaching Workshop
Books
This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen
Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker
Podcasts
Spiritualish with Laura McKowen and Meadow Devor
Finding Our Way with Prentis Hemphill
Dolly Parton’s America (because it’s fun and interesting, y’all) with Jad Abumrad
Finally, remember to breathe. Hydrate. Feel your feels. Wear a mask, wash your hands and for goodness sake, VOTE!
Much love,
M