This is my unbelievably adorable nephew, Nigel Daniel Hopkins.

I LOVE this child. With so much of my heart. He brings so much joy to my life and I love watching him grow into who God has designed him to be. He will be two years old this June and I can’t wait to see what he will do and what things he will say and how he will explore life. I completely love being his aunt.

But sweet little Nigel can’t say “Monica” so he says “CaCa”. Yes, that’s right. My nephew calls me the Spanish word for “poop”.

And I think it’s hilarious! You would think that this would be so upsetting to me and I would be saying “No, Nigel. MO-NI-CA! NOT POOP!” all of the time. But I’m not. I’m totally ok with the fact that he calls me “poop” and he doesn’t even know realize that that is what it means. If he wants to call me “CaCa” then he can call me that for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t care! Why? Because I love this child. And he knows who I am. I’m Aunt CaCa. He knows that I’m here for him, he knows that I love him, and he knows that when he calls out “CaCa”, I will respond. Even if he’s yelling it from down the street and all of the neighbors can here. No shame.

The other day I was thinking about how ridiculous all of this is. I was thinking about the fact that I couldn’t possibly deny him when he calls out my name. Even if he’s been mean to me, or doesn’t want to give me a hug. Even if he runs away from me not five minutes before or doesn’t want me to hold him. I will always respond when he calls out my name, no matter what has happened. I have no greater joy than the second that I see him running to me with his arms open, giggling the entire way and he crashes into me because he knows without a doubt that I’ll catch him. I don’t care that he just said no to my hug. I have an unconditional love for this child.

And I thought that this must be the way our Father sees us. No matter how mean we’ve been, no matter that we’ve denied Him, no matter that we ignore Him. He will always respond when we call His name. He has unconditional love for us. He’s not disappointed that we missed our 30-minute devotional time that morning, or that we totally ignored Him all day. He always wants to talk to us, and will never deny us when we call upon His name. He is truly Abba Father.

“He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him” – Psalm 91:15.

And here we are, over two months later…
About 5 weeks ago, I put a reoccurring notice on my calendar for every Monday afternoon at 4 to blog. How many times have I blogged since I set that up? Zero. Sometimes, I feel like I need a personal assistant just to follow me around and force me to do the things that I forgot I wanted to do. Because honestly, I only seem to think of these things when I’m driving and I can’t do anything about it. If I had a personal assistant, she would be in the car with me and I could say “Susan, write this down and remind me at an appropriate time.”

Moving along… on a slightly related note, I feel as though I’m starting to re-normalize here. That probably sounds odd to a good portion of people, but there is a small percentage that totally get what I am saying right now. You see, everyone learns about this thing called “culture shock” and they teach us about it in high school, and college psychology classes, and we learn that it is hard stuff. But one thing I don’t remember being taught was “reverse culture shock”. And now that I have experienced both, I can say with confidence that the latter is by far the most difficult.

I had NO IDEA. And it’s not something that can really, truly be explained. After spending an entire year attempting to understand another culture, I find that I no longer fit into my own. That’s just the surface of reverse culture shock. Since my return to the states in late January, I have attempted to process this entirely new set of emotions, thoughts, feelings, experiences that I did not see coming at all. The thing is, once you’ve been removed from your own culture for such a significant amount of time, and you’ve almost adopted this new culture that you have been placed in, upon return to the old, you discover that you are a changed person. So much so, that there comes a point when you realize that it will never be the same again. You will never again completely and truly fit into your home culture. I intend to express this in the most positive way possible. It’s a GOOD thing. But it is one crazy experience. It’s as if you are a puzzle piece that has been removed from this gigantic puzzle, and in the time that you were on the outside, your shape changed. You’re still a puzzle piece, and you almost fit in… but you don’t anymore. You have to go through a type of grieving process, but you’re not entirely sure what it is that you’re grieving.

All that to say that this has been a strange experience. But I think it’s finally coming to an end. I’m feeling the end of the grieving process, and a new joy in this season of my life. Not only being grateful in this season, but fully accepting with open arms what the Lord has for me right now. I know that I’m the changed puzzle piece, and that I’ll never really fit back in the puzzle here. But I’m ok with that. After all, God doesn’t call me to be the norm. He calls me to be something different. Now I can understand that on a deeper level than ever before.

Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Well, there goes January! What happened??

I’m back in Dallas and I’m walking into a new season for me. While being so ready to put my roots down somewhere, anywhere… the Lord is saying “No, I’ve got other plans in mind” and so I flow with Him and trust. Because doing that is so much better than anything I could ever attempt on my own. I have tried otherwise and it has not turned out well. So I’m letting go of myself, of all of my preconceived notions, of all of my control issues, everything and just saying “Ok. I trust. I know it will turn out well.”

See, that’s the thing about God. It will ALWAYS turn out well for those who love Him. It’s a promise (Romans 8:28). And such a sweet promise. Why do we struggle so much with this? Why do we have to fight Him all the way? What has happened that we could possibly think that we [broken human beings with not a single clue] could possibly know better than the God of the entire universe? Just think about how ridiculous that is.

I met someone last night that is struggling in his life plan. I knew this just 10 minutes into the conversation. He’s not happy at his job, he’s lost his way a little, and I suspect has some personal struggles right now as well. So he tells us to pray for him, that God would open another door for him in another job. Of course, of course, of course I will pray for him. But I wanted to tell him: maybe God wants you to be here, maybe He’s forming your character, maybe this job is a test that God wants you to pass. I wanted to tell him to just let go and trust that God knows what He’s doing–whether that’s making you stay in this job, or opening another door for you. Because FYI, He knows better than we do!

Instead of this constant struggle with our Creator, I think it might be easier to say “Ok, I trust you” and surrender our will. Then the door opens for us to start counting our blessings. “Ok God, I don’t know why I have this job, but thank you for your provision in my life. What do you want to teach me here?”

When I finally surrender my will to His will for my life, that’s when things get really good, that’s when life becomes an adventure! I have no idea what the Lord has for me in this season, and I so badly want to take control–or attempt to take control. But instead I trust in Him, knowing that this season will turn out for my good. It will be a special time, and I’m convinced that He knows what He’s doing. Maybe I’ll get some stretch marks along the way, but I’ll wear them proudly as reminders of this character that He has built in me.

Only 3 days into 2012, and 2011 is already feeling like a far-off distant memory. I feel myself starting to block everything out, in an attempt to move forward in 2012… I have this problem of throwing out the baby with the bathwater in regards to my memories/experiences. If anything not-so-great is associated with them, it’s like my mind just automatically gives it the boot. Which is totally unreasonable, because this is life and things happen. I’m working on this.

All that to say, I’m already starting to forget 2011. This year was incredible! But I’m afraid I’m going to forget it. Because this year was hard, a true challenge. And I allowed myself to become so busy with the work, that I didn’t document it all in the way that I should have. So I want to give some reflections on 2011:

Some things I did:

1. I lived in a foreign country for nearly the entire year. This is a big deal. It was difficult, it stretched me, it made me reevaluate everything, and I cried more than I’ve ever cried before in my life. But it was so worth it. I’m a different person because of it, and I would just like to take a moment and publicly declare that I am proud of myself.

2. I learned a new language. Ok… if you ever want to TRULY challenge yourself… if you ever want to really push your mind… try to learn a foreign language. It’s tough stuff. There were moments when I thought I totally had it in the bag, and other moments when I would find myself so discouraged because I couldn’t communicate with the girl at the check-out counter. Learning a new language is hard, but I absolutely believe that it is one of the best things a person can do to improve themselves.

3. I allowed the Holy Spirit to do a significant work in my heart. This one is a bit too personal to share all of the details on my blog. But I can’t go without publicly recognizing that this year was monumental in my walk with the Lord. As I faced many challenges, I allowed the Holy Spirit to reveal many things in my heart that needed to change. I could have closed off and shut down, but I didn’t. I opened up to freedom in many areas and it was so worth it.

Some lessons I learned:

1. I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else. This is a completely juvenile concept that you would think I would have picked up on many years ago. But here I am, 26 years old and finally truly grasping the fact that I’m not perfect and I certainly can’t expect anyone else to be either. I’ve expected so many people to be perfect in the past and I experienced the reversal of this in 2011 and it wasn’t fun. God used that opportunity to teach me a lesson.

2. There is crazy amounts of power in my words and my prayers. When I came to Lima last January, I was urged to attend the church’s 2-hour prayer meetings twice a week. Quite honestly, this was a huge challenge for me. Before this, I had never spent more than 15 minutes in prayer a day and I wasn’t a fan of long prayer meetings. I pushed myself to go and the Lord truly began to change my prayer life. I began to see the fruit of my time in prayer, and I learned to pray and speak in a different way – knowing the power and authority in that.

3. Walking in freedom is crucial. It’s absolutely necessary that I walk in freedom and that those around me are also free. I hurt several people because of a lack of true freedom in my life, and I have also been hurt. I’m thankful for God’s unfailing grace and forgiveness, and for a greater understanding. I’m holding on to the promise in Romans, that God works everything together for the good of those who love Him.

I haven’t written so openly on this blog in years, but here it is. 2011 was a monumental year in my life… and I believe 2012 will be even greater.

Job 1:21

“ Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Sometimes, I don’t understand why something happens.
Sometimes, I don’t want to do something that I’ve been told.
Sometimes, I don’t know why He’s forming me this way.
But I know my God is good.
And He has the whole big picture in mind.
Not just my big picture… but HIS big picture too.

It’s been a while. But this is all I really am thinking about these days. I want to be like Mary.
Luke 1:45-55

“Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.”

And Mary said:

“ My soul magnifies the Lord,
⁴⁷ And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
⁴⁸ For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.
⁴⁹ For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name.
⁵⁰ And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation.
⁵¹ He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
⁵² He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly.
⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty.
⁵⁴ He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy,
⁵⁵ As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”

It’s been over 2 months since I have written here.
I’ve been processing internally and not sharing much
on the world wide web.

But my time in Peru is absolutely wonderful.
Sometimes, it’s really hard.
But only because God is teaching me so much…
and stretching my character…
teaching me to be who He wants me to be.
I wouldn’t trade this time for anything in the world.

This morning I was reading in Psalms
and this passage completely jumped out at me:

Psalms 4:6-8

⁶ There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”
LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
⁷ You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

God has put gladness in my heart!
I never realized before how much joy I was lacking before.
I’ve always been told that I’m a happy person,
but the enemy had stolen much of my joy in the last few years.

My best friend emailed me a few weeks ago
and she told me that she could hear my increased joy
just through our email correspondence.

Thank you, Lord, for restored gladness!
I will be joyful in the midst of all my circumstances.
I will declare the goodness of the Lord always.

In the last few weeks, I have been desperately craving
some worship in English.
I mean, I can listen to it on my laptop…
but my spirit has desired corporate worship in English.

I’ve been craving a time where I can feel the Holy Spirit
settle over me.
And sometimes it’s hard to get to that place
when I’m just trying to remember how to say the words…
much less, understand what they mean.

But today, I had a breakthrough.
During the services at church, I absolutely felt
the presence of the Holy Spirit settling over me during worship.
I wasn’t worried about the words because I’m starting to know them
and understand them.
and I wasn’t worried about the people around me.
It was just a powerful time of corporate worship.
I didn’t even think about the language!

And I needed that.
I’ve been worrying very much about a particular situation,

and asking the Lord to send His Holy Spirit to comfort me,
and guide me through this time.
God is faithful! He provided for me.
Oh how we’ve proved him over and over!

something funny about peru:

everyone has the exact same car alarm here.
seriously, i have memorized the official car alarm of peru.
i have not heard a different alarm to date.
and they go off every 5 minutes, no exaggeration!

and the funniest part is,
there is NO POINT to these alarms!
because no one even hears them anymore.

the alarms are just background noise.
no one attempts to turn the alarm off…
they just let it run it’s course.
no one jumps up and says
“oh my gosh, someone is breaking into my car!”
which, in my mind, defeats the purpose of the alarm, right???

why are people still using these alarms?
and why do they all have the exact same alarm?
there is NO POINT!

seriously, if you ask me,
i can sing the car alarm for you.
that’s how well i know it at this point.

oh peru….. it’s the little things that make me love you!

i have experienced trial by fire.

and i hope what remains,
after all of the junk has been burned away,
is something good and worthy for Him.